I’m a Shell of a Person

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Well, it’s been a while!  I’ve had a couple of weeks to get some head space after a HUGE life change and I’ve realised something – I have missed blogging!  When I look back at old posts and videos I realise how much I have changed since then and not in a good way!  I used to pour myself into this life (hashtag bloggerlife, haha) but it all stopped when I went back to work full time.  Working 45 hour weeks outside the home and being a mom is too bloody hard for me!  And before you go thinking I’m one of those people that says  ‘oh that would just be so hard for me, I would never leave my babies for anything,’ but actually hasn’t a f*cking clue.  NO! Believe me, I HAD to do it – I know the struggle!

Anyway, what ended up happening was I had TOO little time for my own kids (oh I should mention, my work involves other people’s children). So, the time I had with my own kids was basically a rage-fest!  Getting them fed, dressed and ready for creche in the morning so I could be in work 8am.  Or (if I was going to be lucky enough to say goodnight) it was a car ride home at 18:30 with a screaming baby and a pissed off 4 year old which inevitably meant quick bed time for the younger, no time for the older and an evening of deep regret and guilt for me.  Free time – the weekend.  Where my husband was working.  I tried to fill the days with worthwhile activities, but I still had to do cooking/cleaning and then more regret and guilt would ensue.  Also, I should mention – this is a lonely existence.  Never seeing your husband, no quality time with your kids it sucks.

Anyway, I didn’t have any time for myself either.  I don’t mean the whole Ivanka Trump ‘I didn’t even have time for a massage’ – I mean time to actually know myself, know my own mind and be my own person.  I just became so BUSY.  As I said, I look back at the posts and videos now and ask myself, ‘Where has she gone?’

So this is where the title comes from, I feel like I lost time and lost myself and as a result I’m a shell of a person now – I don’t really feel like me anymore. (Does this even make sense?!?)  I have made some changes regarding the whole work/life balance – so I will get a LOT more time with my family.  Already the hubby tells me I seem happier and less uptight.  I hope these changes allow me to become me again, be happy again and start blogging some more!

Anyway, better go…I smell burning and since the 4 year old has learned to use the toaster – my house could be on fire! 😉

Thanks for reading! xoxo

 

 

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